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The Caveman on Self-Esteem & Never Accepting Failure

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Self-esteem is the way that you think of yourself, your self-image. But more than self-image, esteem is the way that you talk to yourself inside your head: your self-talk 

Most people are talking NEGATIVELY to themselves instead of talking POSITIVELY.

Positive self-talk is one of the biggest indicators of self-confidence and self-esteem.  On the flip side,  negative self-talk is one of the primary causes of low self-esteem, giving up, and a lack of interest in even trying.  IMG 0146 300x300 The Caveman on Self Esteem & Never Accepting Failure

As a society, we often blame a person’s low self-esteem on outside factors. The way they were treated by their parents. The way that school children or work colleagues treat them. The images they see in the media: super-thin models, good-looking artists, successful businessmen, etc. 

These are all elements that can contribute to low self-esteem, yes.  But the root cause of esteem is still internal: the way you perceive yourself, and the thoughts that you have about yourself.

It’s a very serious issue.  And certainly not something that can be solved in a single book.  Many people, young people especially, have deep-rooted confidence issues which stem from horrible upbringings, traumatic experiences, and a real belief that, no matter what they do in life, they can never get ahead and succeed.

These beliefs, which manifest themselves at an early age, take root and create a lifetime of agony, pain, bitterness, and suffering.  This can lead to worse societal issues, like violence, crime, hatred, or just plain apathy.

So how can you eliminate low self-esteem?  It doesn’t happen overnight, but there are certain steps to achieve it.

How to Gain Self-Esteem:

 

1.     Make a commitment to be nice to yourself.  

Start talking positively to yourself. That is the single greatest thing that you can do for your own self-esteem. Be encouraging, and be positive. Positive talk is at the root of all achievement and success. Make a daily practice out of saying nice things to people, and making positive statements about yourself. It may sound silly, but actually talk to yourself in the morning, when you are looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Make direct statements about your day – “I will close that sale.” “I will go tot the gym.”  ”I’m going to look amazing in that new outfit.”  I know that it’s super corny, but it does actually work.  I’ve never admitted this before, but I speak to myself, when nobody else is looking.  I make these positive affirmations, like Stuart Smalley from SNL. (I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and people like me.”) 

2.     Learn that it is okay to make mistakes.  

We all do. I make more mistakes than I care to admit. In this one blog post alone I’ve probably made five mistakes. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop writing. I love writing, I love working on this blog, and it brings me happiness. To be honest, I don’t really care if I make little mistakes.  Life keeps moving on. Learn to forgive yourself of mistakes and shortcomings. Imperfections are what make you perfect. Focus more on the big picture stuff. Work on getting that right. You can make small mistakes, so long as you are nailing the big stuff. 

3.     Exercise and breathe.  

It is well known that exercise releases endorphins which make you feel good. Daily exercise actually gives you more energy throughout the day.  Deep breathing will have the same effect. It is amazing that one of the healthiest things we can do for our bodies is deep breathing. Everyone is breathing all the time – it is a natural action. However, nobody actually concentrates on their breathing during the course of the day. Therefore, nobody is breathing with proper technique. My daily ritual includes waking up early to work out – either doing yoga or doing a circuit training. Yoga is the best workout, because it forces you to concentrate on your breathing, and to practice daily mindfulness. 

4.     Stop abusing drugs.  

This may not be applicable to everyone, but a lot of people with self-esteem issues get caught in the cycle of drug and alcohol abuse, addiction, lies, and self-loathing.  I’ve attended a couple AA meetings in the past, and I was shocked at the number of people – old and young – that attend on a daily basis.   There are more people than you realize who suffer from addiction issues. Addiction is the leading result of low self-esteem and self-worth.   If you believe that you might be one of them, then seek help.  There is a community out there that is more than willing to help you.  

5.    Don’t live inside of your own head.  

Talk to someone.  Seek counseling.  Write your thoughts down on paper.  It is very important to talk to others, and realize that your problems are not your own.  Human beings are a communal people, so we need the community in order to feel good.  Don’t live in a vacuum.

Seeking change

To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self image. The first core belief is that we are not good enough.  The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. False self-images of perfection cause of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  We must not seek perfection. We must realize that we are all special because we are all created in the image of God, therefore ever single individual has special value and was put onto this earth for reason. 

Finally, remember this important quote from Ghandi on change:

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your destiny.”

As I said before, it’s not as simple as reading several blog posts with bullet points, a magazine article, or a TV show.  It takes a real commitment to be positive and focus on mental health.   

You cannot escape your own self-image, and you can not exceed it.  What you can do, however, is change it. Your personal self-image can absolutely be managed, modified, and manipulated.  It can be reverse-engineered to erase all negative or self-limiting beliefs, to create a new internal message of power and positivity.

We are our own self-fulfilling prophecies.   We are a product of our internal beliefs and thoughts.  

Whatever you don’t do as a way of routine or discipline has a way of not getting done.  

You are what you constantly do.   Your internal core beliefs eventually become your daily habits.   

So focus on changing your core thoughts.  Allows those thoughts to be positive and loving. Allow those thoughts to manifest themselves in your daily actions.   

IMG 1701 300x174 The Caveman on Self Esteem & Never Accepting Failure

 

The Art of Lying – How To Spot a Liar

One of the most fun things about learning body language is the ability to detect lies, and chronic liars. It is not exactly easy. It requires practice and proficiency at reading a person’s disposition, words, and intentions.

But it is not exactly hard, either. One of the simplest methods to detect lies however, is watching for lying signs via body language.

The Tells  

 The Art of Lying   How To Spot a Liar

A person will tend to reveal one of five different “tells” during a lie. These tells are not hard to spot if you simply ignore the words coming from their mouths, and instead focus on their posture and body language. The way somebody acts when they are dishonest is quite different to when they are relaxed and telling the truth. Of course, some people are well-practiced and accomplished at lying. But no matter what, we all give away hints of lying despite our best efforts.

You will discover a great many things to detect a liar by means of body language however, so let us just show you a couple of very important ones in relation to our bodies, not facial expressions, but all others.

Five techniques to spot lies by body language:

 

  1. Feet and Posture – The posture is tense and un-relaxed. Unless you’re dealing with a professional liar or a sociopath, most people will become more when they lie. Then they realize they are behaving stiffly and will attempt to modify that behavior, thus creating self-conscious patterns. Those patterns may be rocking back and forth, fidgeting their hands, or shifting their feet without reason.
  2. Hands to the Face – One of the ultimate “tells” for a liar occurs with their hands. Liars frequently touch their hands or fingers to their mouth, or scratch the back of their neck. A liar can also be seen scratching at their nose regularly while you talk. It is incredible how often this occurs. Especially with children. Notice a child who is clearly lying, and without fail they will bring their hands to their face in some manner. As people get older, this action becomes more subtle. But the action is already ingrained in the unconscious mind. This actions suggests the person is not comfortable, or are unsure of their position and might demonstrate how truthful they really are.
  3. Palms are Hidden or Sweaty – The hands to the face is a telltale sign, but the hands are also concealing other information. Often will have the back of the hands to you, concealing their palms. A person who is speaking honestly will upturn both of their palms in an imploring manner.  A person with something to hide will conceal their palms. Secondly, sweaty and clammy palms are another obvious sign of a liar. People rubbing their palms together, or rubbing their palms on their legs, are nervous, and possibly lying.
  4. Head Nods the Wrong Way – A funny thing people will unconsciously do is to nod their heads when saying no, or else shaking their head when saying yes. It can be subtle depending on the person, or the size of their lie. Even the most accomplished liars will do this, without having any clue that they are doing it. They could be revealing the truth via a nod or a head shake, despite their words.
  5. Creating Barriers- Someone feeling discomfort from lying will not be able to face you openly. They will shift their body away from yours. Or they will put a barrier between you. Chairs, tables, whatever they can find to create a buffer between themselves and the person confronting them. If there is no barrier, liars will attempt to create some space somehow.  Having an open body positions means you have nothing to hide, so hiding your body away conveys that same idea.

 Conclusion

Each one of these actions on their own may not necessarily constitute a liar. It is always important to remember context and special cases. Conversely, realize that these body language cues will not always be obvious. They are often subtle or quick movements. Especially somebody who is good at lying, they are more conscious of their body movements, and so they are quicker to control them.

With that said, nobody is perfect. People do things unconsciously all the time. Especially with the hands and feet. It is amazing how little control we have over our own hands, and they often betray our own words.

In general, it is important to understand that liars will convey “hiding” body language. They will make themselves smaller.  They will shuffle their feet. They will lower their head. They hide their hands. They hide their body behind objects. All of this is done in an effort to avoid the subject at hand, or try to go undetected by others.

Most people when they lie will become more stiff and appear more self-conscious. If they realize they are behaving stiffly, they will react by doing the opposite. This often ends up making them appear more awkward as they start rocking back and forth or shifting their feet without reason.

Of course, some people are trained to tell lies. Because they are sociopathic, or just practice it a lot, they know how to correct the tells that normally accompany a lie.  Remember what George Costanza (from Seinfeld) said about lying?  ”It not a lie, if you believe it.”

Final lesson

The biggest lesson to take away from all of this is that honesty is the best policy.  Lying takes a lot more work than telling the truth. It requires you to remember your lies, and sustain those lies, while creating new lies to support the lies you’ve already told. Eventually, if you do it for long enough, it becomes a great burden and a great stress, and will lead to health problems. So there is my moral lesson. Now go forth and observe the people you talk to, and see if you can pick up on any of these signs.  

 

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